The first time I made an attempt at creating a personal blog was a little under two years ago.
I was preparing to embark on my first international trip and I had a real sense that it would truly be a New Beginning for me.
It was.
That first trip to Laos really did change me, even though my very first lesson there was “Wherever I go, there I am”. It started new things for me: a new outlook on life, some possibilities that never existed before.
Since creating that first blog on a gloomy Sunday in May 2016, I’ve travelled locally and abroad. I’ve touched down in Namibia, Singapore, Thailand, Laos, Zanzibar, Dubai, Italy, Greece, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Germany, Austria, Slovakia and Hungary.
My forays into the world at large included a road trip with my family, a solo volunteer trip to teach English to Novice Buddhist Monks, a resort beach holiday, a cruise on an ocean liner and a magical time spent floating down the Danube on a riverboat, navigating one lock at a time.
I’ve been exceedingly privileged to have seen Bohemia, walked the Old Towns, chanted with monks in Buddhist temples, received a massage from a deaf Tanzanian man, connected with old friends in foreign cities, and made new ones on the way.
I’ve listened to the soundtrack emanating from the streets of Vienna, drank coffee overlooking the Prague skyline, saw Budapest at night, drank very sweet iced coffee from a little plastic bag in Luang Prabang, tasted the sweetness of small green Lao bananas and big yellow Czech ones, and deeply felt the innate wrongness of elephant tourism.
I’ve chased UNESCO world heritage sites, took thousands of photographs, walked many miles, learned greetings in different languages (Sabaidee! Jambo! Bongiorno! Yassas! Guten Tag! Ahoj!). I’ve spent Namibian dollars, Tanzanian Shillings, Lao Kip, Croatian kuna, Hungarian Forint, Czech Koruna, Dirham, Dollars and Euros.
I learned that the monetary value of things are not intrinsic or intuitive, that sometimes both democracy and capitalism are overrated.
I’ve had massages that drove me to tears (in a good way) and probably deserves their own entire blogpost
I’ve seen more similarities between people than differences.
I’ve even know how it feels to walk around at night on my own without feeling scared.
What I did not do, was blog.
It wasn’t intentional. It simply never happened. Part of it was due to the unavailability of wi-fi, part of it with my frustration with the then WordPress app.
But mostly its because I was overwhelmed by what was going on, not only around me, but by what was going on inside of me.
The public documentation of my travels currently exist in a small collection of photos on Facebook and Instagram, and some ramblings in my journal in which I am mostly trying to figure out what the hell is going on. (Those are mostly not suitable for public consumption.)
This time, I’m however, I’m hoping that will change. That I’ll be able to document not only the outer, but also my inner journey.
I used to be that girl, now I am this woman
I think the most important outcome from all of this, is how I’ve changed over the last two years.
Even though some of my cycles seem to remain the same, who I am is now different from the girl who created that first blog.
Since I’ve returned from Luang Prabang, I have found a supportive community and a wise teacher. I meditate and go on retreat regularly. I create space for myself. I write more. The focus is on what nourishes and sustains me. I’m learning about loving-kindness and compassion. I’m learning to breathe. I’m slowly, slowly managing to figure out what my own needs are so I can meet them. I’m tentatively exploring my fears and my next steps. I’m seeing how I go in circles, and how a lack of boundaries sometimes invites disrespect. I see my laziness and my complacency. I’m learning how to deal with my mother-issues, and not to waste my spoons. I notice how I collapse when I don’t hold space for myself.
And I’m learning to be kind to myself anyway.
I’m older, and rounder, and softer, and I’m not as fit. I’ve lost some friends and I’ve given up alcohol. I’ve given up on being miserable behind my desk in the office, and have handed in my resignation, after 15 years at a job which I loved until I didn’t anymore.
Some doors may be closing, some needs to be burned down completely, but I am wide open.
I’m ready for my next big adventure. And I’m ready to document it every step of the way.
Mirrors, masks, fists and hearts 